There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sobbing to NWA
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
