my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
