If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
