i'm lost and i look like a hooker
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
