Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize