There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
