i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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