it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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