True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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