It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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