Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
