This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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