i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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