I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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