I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
