Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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