so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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