I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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