I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
