i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
