Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
