I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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