Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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