youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
