Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
