I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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