Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
4 words: hood of his car
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
