If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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