I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
