I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His hands were made for my vagina.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
