Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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