I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
