I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
