I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
