Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
