The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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