Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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