We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
