i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
