he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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