Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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