Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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