That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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