Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
