I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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