His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
