Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
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