Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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