We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
