Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
