do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
