At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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