she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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