1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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