I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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